Plastic Bags: My Cup Runeth Over

Liberal journalism convinced me to do my part for the environment. So, I switched to energy-efficient bulbs instead of burning baby seals and all the other common stuff. And yet, my efforts to embrace the three R’s—reduce, reuse, recycle—has left me drowning in a fourth R: refuse.

Like some sort of troll king, I now stand next to my towering heap of “reused” plastic bags, proud and chagrined. Proud to keep these wasteful satchels out of landfills; chagrined to have created a new landfill in my kitchen.

Long ago, I decided that these bags would make the perfect trash bags—simultaneously saving the planet and satisfying my hatred of spending money on trash-related products. ($200 for a trash can? That’s a war crime, Bed, Bath & Beyond!) However, as most economists visiting my kitchen will tell you, this creates a problem: it smells bad.

By reducing the amount of trash I throw out, I have less need for trash bags. Thus, with each bag I reappropriate to “trash bag” instead of “trash”, I slow down my usage rate. This is called the “Bagger Vance Principle,” based on the Will Smith golf caddy movie on the late 90’s which sucked exponentially more each time Will Smith tried to appear wise.

The resulting effect for my plastic predicament is an episode of A&E’s Hoarders in its planning stages.