Posts tagged culture
That ElderPlan Commerical: Frame-by-Frame
“Want to stay healthy, save your money, and keep living the life you love?” the announcer riddles with a closed-teeth, smiling voice. The scintillatingly-named ElderPlan obviously asked an agency to make the train ride to Olde Towne look more fun. And here’s what they came up with—a life that, certainly, ANYONE would want to live… and love!
0:03 - Closed-eyed street bands! Why not get the gang together for a little jam session? Less needlepoint, more Nickelback! All you need is a black couple, a white couple, and a microphone. (No need to plug it in!) In fact, you seemingly don’t even need to plan words or a melody—more like a Soviet-style chant—and no need for any pesky rhymes! Just let it flow like a fiber-rich bowel movement:
“You’ve got to… / Go where you wanna go! / Do what you wanna do! / With who ever…/ You wanna do it with.”
Yes, that’s a classic ABCDE-rhyme scheme. But at this age, who gives a crap!
0;06 - Fruit stand fun! Old people’s favorite past-time is harassing the local Asian fruit stand lady. (“This is our country, Tokyo Rose!”) Toss around those avocados! Cackle and hug your friends as you chide Work-a-day Wendy, slaving away at the ol’ fruit stand, contributing to the “sosh-security” you’re going to blow on Transition(R) lenses and grandkid gifts. Bemused and frustrated with the constant assault, Fruit Stand Lady shakes her head; partly because she knows she had it coming—I mean, Mini-Watermelons: $3.00 each?!?!?—-and partly because she knows they will eventually reutrn to buy the roughage they so badly need to grease the pipes.
0:10 - Compete against children! Nothing makes you feel more in change of your life than a quick pick-up game with a child literally half your height! No need to bend your knees or even make the ball go in. Simply struggle to dribble (the ball, that is) and remind the young snap of a time when you saw old, hollowed-out peach baskets nailed to ply-board, when socks were as high as the hoops themselves! That’s how the game was meant to be played!
0:13 - Dance with thumbs! What to do when your musical stylings come home to roost, and even you are forced to give a physical manifestation of your rhythmic excitement? Thumbs! That’s a dance move, right? Sure! Sideways! Up-and-down! Out of time with the music! There’s no wrong way to do it! It’s like a Lindy Hop for your hands!
0:14 - Tug boats! No, not riding them, silly! Seeing them! Pointing at them! Showing them to others with failing eyesight or dementia! Watching the latest nautical technology cutting through the cold, harsh waves of age the East River. And all the time, Old Glory triumphantly waving on the back! (“Take that, Charlie! That fruit stand should be ours!”)
0:16 - Bike rides! But, you know what’s more fun? Safely dismounting from your bike to watch tug boats!
0:22 - Pet parrots! Not owning a pet parrot, but touching them occasionally! Be the envy of all your friends without degenerating retinas by borrowing—nay, stealing—a tropical bird and stroking its iridescent plumage. Impress your wife or late-life-lover-of-last-resort by placing a parrot on your arm and fingering its colorful feathers with a grimace that says, “I’m terrified of birds, but if I keep still… it… won’t… attack me…”
0:24 - Xtina-style freestyle! You’ve kept quiet in the church choir, but now bust it out! Take this jam sesh to the next level with an Ella-style-scat! “Gooo where you wanna…” And wait for that call back, “Doo-ooo what you wanna!” But take note of Sunglasses McGee back there, who missed his opportunity to sing—there’s no time to waste!
0:34 - Thumbs! They’re still in fashion, seconds later! It’s timeless! Throw around those meat hooks like you’re fighting your way through the line at the local Rotary Club pancake breakfast!
0:37 - Convertible fun! Don’t let galcoma get in the way of your dreams! Pile into a convertible and throw your hands in the air—even the “driver”! You’re too cool for driving—yeah, that’s the ticket! Remember how it feels… the roar of the engine! The wind through your hair! The driver’s license in your wallet! Freedom! Stationary, parked-car recollections of freedom!
0:39 - Clapping! Nothing showcases your motor skills like successfully joining your hands in loose synchronicity to the music! Sure, Sunglasses McGee seems to have lost enthusiasm and energy at this point in the commercial, but he can still apathetically clap!
0:41 - Races! Your friends will be waiting for you (clapping!) at the finish line of (we all assume) a 0.6K Walk-a-thon. Cheer her up as she hits her wall—fainting, stumbling into the arms of her friends for support as she gropes towards the light.
0:44 - Open-mouthed clapping. Clap! Enjoy life! That’s right! Sure you’ve stopped singing new words by now. It’s more like a repetitive transe that’s confusing you. Gooo where you wanna go… They’ve worked themselves into a stupor. Do what you wanna do… All this excitement, working them up! Where am I? Gasping for air! Gooowhatchwanna… And as the EMT places the oxygen mask over their ashen faces and asks who the president is! D’whatchwa… You’re living the life! Gowanana… You’re free! Free!
Elderplan.
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oprahing (v.)
- to distribute wildly and enthusiastically, often by pointing.
- to howl in a low, sustained tone to convey excitement.
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Hugh Jackman looks like Jackass on Oprah
Faster than you can say “poorly conceived idea,” Hugh Jackman sailed over the Australian Oprahoarde in what this reporter refers to as a “flying fox.” Tragically, the actor slammed into a lighting rig injuring himself. (Then quickly healing himself; his adamantium skeleton was, naturally, unharmed.) The flop was not Jackman’s first in Australia (cf. The film Australia), and it follows in a long tradition of Jackman-ideas that seemed terrible from the beginning. (Notably: Scoop, Viva Laughlin, and Kate & Leopald.)
In this news report that showcases Australian English as naught but a string of idioms, “Eh?,” and nicknames. These reporters (obviously five Fosters to the wind at 7PM) seem only interested in what Oprah gave the crowd, belying their roots of descending from British petty thieves, debtors, and gift bag whores.
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The Worst Show You Should Be Watching: The Talk
If you like observing awkward conversations in your dentist’s waiting room, you will love CBS’s The Talk. Not to be outdone by ABC’s The View with its many Emmys and diverse people, CBS has scientifically constructed the TJ Maxx equivalent of the daytime juggernaut. Sure, one sleeve is shorter than the other, but if you’re a woman who enjoys complaining, shame-spirals, and tepid humor—or a man who enjoys schadenfreude—then listen up!
Here’s where The Talk has got The View on the run:
- Bigger Table! Tried of seeing Joy’s shoulder-pad every time they cut to my girl Sherri Sheppard? The Talk found the solution: by placing the hosts at a bigger table! Large enough for each host to be in a separate time-zone, The Talk allows each lady the space needed to express their opinion in a silo of idiosyncrasy, instead of all that annoying banter and momentum!
- Julie Chen! Yes, that’s right
CBS President Les Moonves’ wifethe host of The Early Show has downloaded a new software update is now running on a OS Daytime! Bringing “serious journalist” gravitas with her, the host of Big Brother (now in its 12th season!) presides over the sassy ladies with the internal metronome of Maya Angelou reading a poem at the Presidential Inauguration. Take one part Lisa Ling (the Asian part, duh), one part Barbara Walters (the slow talking part), and one part deliberate lava lamp, and you’ve got The View painted into the corner! - Sara Gilbert! Ms. Gilbert brings new respect to the writers of Roseanne as we get to hear her own words. Obviously, she’s “the brainy one” (seated in “the Joy slot”) and she proudly showcases that intelligence by relaying personal stories without using gender-specific pronouns. And that passive voice translates into passive COMEDY! (This just in: She’s also “the lesbian.” Take that, Rosie!)
- Holly Robinson Peete! The award-winning star of Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper and Crest Whitestrips commercials is bringing her signature fiestinesswith a healthy does of moderation, calm, words like “girlfriend”! What’s that? Elizabeth Hassellback has two kids and is married to a football player? Well, HRP has four kids and is married to a retired football star! (Touchdown, The Talk)
- Sharron Osbourne! The ironic-on-several-levels host of America’s Got Talent is seated at another table surrounded by dead-weights where she uses her legendary wit to win the hearts of the
colonistsviewers. Buckle up for some patented zingers because she’s Sharron what’s on her mind! (Namely, non sequiturs. Debbie Matenopolis: you got served! The Talk style!) - Leah Remini! The queen of The King of Queens is king of the castle’s princesses at the royal court of princely talk on The Talk. Leah brings that side-mouthed salt of the Earth perspective that made he a star on CBS. And, howdy! She can also TALK. Hehehe. Yup, she’s… I… I got nothing. It’s totally not working, Leah. And I loved you on Fired Up!
Sorry Whoppi and the gang, but I’m watching The Talk from now on! Because I know that this CBS self-promoting shell (definitely not crafted by Julie Chen to give her a more accommodating schedule post-childbirth*) is the winning pony! Also, I believe there is a greater chance they will read this blog post on air.
Oh, god. And I didn’t even mention the theme song!
*Frankly, more power to you Julie.
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