The Worst Show You Should Be Watching: The Talk

If you like observing awkward conversations in your dentist’s waiting room, you will love CBS’s The Talk.  Not to be outdone by ABC’s The View with its many Emmys and diverse people, CBS has scientifically constructed the TJ Maxx equivalent of the daytime juggernaut. Sure, one sleeve is shorter than the other, but if you’re a woman who enjoys complaining, shame-spirals, and tepid humor—or a man who enjoys schadenfreude—then listen up!

Here’s where The Talk has got The View  on the run:

• Bigger Table!  Tried of seeing Joy’s shoulder-pad every time they cut to my girl Sherri Sheppard? The Talk found the solution: by placing the hosts at a bigger table! Large enough for each host to be in a separate time-zone, The Talk allows each lady the space needed to express their opinion in a silo of idiosyncrasy, instead of all that annoying banter and momentum!
• Julie Chen! Yes, that’s right CBS President Les Moonves’ wife the host of The Early Show has downloaded a new software update is now running on a OS Daytime! Bringing “serious journalist” gravitas with her, the host of Big Brother (now in its 12th season!) presides over the sassy ladies with the internal metronome of Maya Angelou reading a poem at the Presidential Inauguration. Take one part Lisa Ling (the Asian part, duh), one part Barbara Walters (the slow talking part), and one part deliberate lava lamp, and you’ve got The View painted into the corner!
• Sara Gilbert! Ms. Gilbert brings new respect to the writers of Roseanne as we get to hear her own words. Obviously, she’s “the brainy one” (seated in “the Joy slot”) and she proudly showcases that intelligence by relaying personal stories without using gender-specific pronouns. And that passive voice translates into passive COMEDY! (This just in: She’s also “the lesbian.” Take that, Rosie!) 
• Holly Robinson Peete! The award-winning star of Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper and Crest Whitestrips commercials is bringing her signature fiestinesswith a healthy does of moderation, calm, words like “girlfriend”! What’s that? Elizabeth Hassellback has two kids and is married to a football player? Well, HRP has four kids and is married to a retired football star! (Touchdown, The Talk)
• Sharron Osbourne! The ironic-on-several-levels host of America’s Got Talent is seated at another table surrounded by dead-weights where she uses her legendary wit to win the hearts of the colonists viewers. Buckle up for some patented zingers because she’s Sharron what’s on her mind! (Namely, non sequiturs. Debbie Matenopolis: you got served! The Talk style!)
• Leah Remini! The queen of The King of Queens is king of the castle’s princesses at the royal court of princely talk on The Talk. Leah brings that side-mouthed salt of the Earth perspective that made he a star on CBS. And, howdy! She can also TALK. Hehehe. Yup, she’s… I… I got nothing. It’s totally not working, Leah. And I loved you on Fired Up!

Sorry Whoppi and the gang, but I’m watching The Talk from now on! Because I know that this CBS self-promoting shell (definitely not crafted by Julie Chen to give her a more accommodating schedule post-childbirth*) is the winning pony! Also, I believe there is a greater chance they will read this blog post on air.

Oh, god. And I didn’t even mention  the theme song!

*Frankly, more power to you Julie.