Jess Burkle

Where "The Giving Tree" should have drawn the line.

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 09:13:00 -0400

When he gave the boy his apples, that’s fine. Apples grow back.

When he gave the boy his branches, that’s fine. The boy needed a home.

But when he gave the boy his trunk, it was for a boat. And recreational boating does not justify sacrifice on that scale.

Don’t come asking me for a kidney because you really want a dune buggy.

Surely I’m not the only one who wants to know more about...

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 08:38:27 -0400

Surely I’m not the only one who wants to know more about that one, angry, North Korean, female nightly news anchor who always wears pink.

Where is this Lifetime movie?

James Cameron's newly-uncovered love of submarines really gives "Titanic" a new layer of moral complexity.

Tue, 26 Mar 2013 09:39:36 -0400

I hope that the Supreme Court makes the informed decision today and, finally, let's Roe marry Wade.

Tue, 26 Mar 2013 09:14:10 -0400

Yeah, we should probably let each states decide about whether marriage equality is a good fit for them. You know, like slavery.

Mon, 25 Mar 2013 09:00:05 -0400

Bachelorette Balloons

Fri, 22 Mar 2013 09:43:21 -0400

JESS enters Ricky’s Party Store in Chelsea, approached salesman.

JESS: Excuse me, sir. Do you sell balloons?

SALESMAN: Uh… we sell, like, bachelorette ballons…

JESS: You mean like…

SALESMAN: Balloons shaped like dicks.

And there you have it, society is not yet equipped for lesbian bachelorette party.

I suppose I can take comfort in the fact that, by its own laws, #YOLO can never be a thing again....

Thu, 21 Mar 2013 14:40:15 -0400

I suppose I can take comfort in the fact that, by its own laws, #YOLO can never be a thing again. #YOLO

I love that moment when men first greet each other and awkwardly decide what their physical interaction should be.

Thu, 21 Mar 2013 08:39:29 -0400

Mt. Rushmore

Tue, 19 Mar 2013 10:30:18 -0400

Wouldn’t you agree that we may have lost ourselves a bit when we thought it was a good idea to alter a mountain into the likeness of four human faces?

Like, you know when, in a sci-fi movie, they travel to another planet and there are those enormous statues of the leaders and, like, their faces craved into mountains? That’s not aliens. We did that. In the 20’s.

I, for one, find it terrifying.

On Pictures of Food

Tue, 19 Mar 2013 09:55:20 -0400

There must be some deep-seated evolutionary need to share the fact that you are eating food.

In like a “I shall survive this winter and you shall not so mate with me” kinda way.

I'd like to posit a theory that every owner of a Mini-Cooper was once obsessed with Trolls dolls.

Fri, 15 Mar 2013 14:55:18 -0400

It took me over an hour to realize that my Phllip Glass CD was skipping.

Fri, 15 Mar 2013 09:55:21 -0400

Trojan Condoms

Thu, 14 Mar 2013 14:55:17 -0400

Two scenarios:

The condoms are named after a culture best-known for constructing a benign gift that made its way in and them burst open in the middle of the night and its soliders poured out.
The condoms are named after a culture best-known as that city that nobody thought could ever be penetrated until that one time it decided to life a little. And look how that turned out.

Either way, it doesn’t exactly inspire confidence. Though, I suppose the city had about 99.9% effectiveness at protecting against invaders.

Father's Day in New York City

Thu, 14 Mar 2013 09:55:26 -0400

The mind staggers to think how many families have been ruined by treating a Dad to a lovely evening at an establishment found from Googling: ”New York City Daddy Bars.”

Meanwhile, all those bars are running specials that day, right?

The Low Urinal

Wed, 13 Mar 2013 14:50:26 -0400

Every man knows that men’s rooms contains a high urinal and a low one.

Sometimes, on a whim, you use the low one.

And then another gentleman walks in, sees you using it, and mutters, “Pervert.”

Jess, Who's Coming to Dinner.

Wed, 13 Mar 2013 09:55:27 -0400

This is the title of my reality show.

Here’s the set-up: I come to your dinner party and make conversation.

Here’s the hook: The conversation is exclusively based on exploiting your preconceived notions on race and socioeconomic status.

Here’s the twist: I’m in blackface.

But I’m doing it IRONICALLY. Pass the potatoes au gratin!

Dear Capital One: When I think of prudent decisions and long-term financial security, I totally think of vikings and Alec Baldwin.

Tue, 12 Mar 2013 14:50:27 -0400

Puppy Mills

Tue, 12 Mar 2013 10:30:02 -0400

In my mind, it’s an adorable factory run by puppies to create fluffy new puppies. Just imagine them nuzzling the gears, scampering over those big mechanical wheels, and tumbling through the chute where those newly-formed, wide-eyed, wet-noised little angels pop out of and immediately start getting to work on making more puppies!

Is that what they’re always protesting about?

One day, Jessica Alba will publish an autobiography entitled: "Please Judge This By Its Cover."

Mon, 11 Mar 2013 14:50:28 -0400

"What if diet caused cancer?"

Mon, 11 Mar 2013 10:30:17 -0400

That is an actual note I found in my “Ideas” folder. I emailed it to myself almost a year ago. And though I do not fully understand what it means—it is still a good idea.

I mean, thank about it: what if diet caused cancer?

Diet what? Your diet? Is cancer caused by the legislative upper-house of Japanese representative democracy?

Who knows. But it is, nevertheless, still an intriguing notion.

Thanks April 2012 me!