Megabus: Stay First World on Third World Transportation

There’s only one way to get from Boston to New York in style: the train.

But for those who already sprinkled all of your gold coins to peasants from zeppelins high above the city and have now fallen on harder times, the bus will have to do.

Ah, the bus! The transportation of kings! (More accurately, the original Kings of Comedy.) Now outfitted with modern amenities, you can surf the web like Steve Harvey, cruise on the upper-level like Cedric the Entertainer, or take a dump like Sinbad! None of that speedy, efficient, socialist rail travel! We red-blooded Americans like our roadtrips like we like our youth: slow, comically large, and smelling like a port-o-potty.

Here are some tips to stay ahead of the obese masses crowd on your next trip! 

• Start Planning Early - Ten minutes prior to any departure, ticket-holders begin to mill around like sickened livestock in hooded sweatshirts, panicked there will not be enough seats. To ensure that there is the proper balance of scientists, artists, and sexy models on the bus in the event of a Land of the Lost-esque scenario, I’m not shy about answering questions. “Is this Boston?” they ask. “Philly!” I reply with a cheesesteaky smile! (If they’re dumb enough to fall for that, they would most certainly use up all the batteries and water while unwittingly leading a T-Rex back to our camp.)
• Avoid Foreigners -Travelers from other nations believe that Megabus is some sort of hostel on wheels: ideal for bathing, eating pungent foods, exchanging currency, and acquiring STDs from Australians. Pay extra attention to foreigners with technology, this could mean your four-hour ride will have the soundtrack of a piercing Cantonese Skype call. And though you would think that the pitched, nasal serenade would eventually fade to the background, it doesn’t. Instead your brain tricks you into believing that you suddenly understand the language (you don’t) and you become paranoid that they are talking about you (they are).
• No. 2 in Emergencies Only - As Emily Post once wrote, “If we were meant to go number two on a bus, it would be called a ‘dump truck.’” But on a recent, lower-level bus trip, I happened to sit next to the facilities (and I’m not taking about the conference room, people!). The clientele of Megabus is not bashful about MegaBowelMovements. Perhaps operating under the false assumption that their poop would wirelessly evaporate on this bus of the future, instead I was acutely aware of the many many passengers “logging on” during my ride. I will condemn this practice until the bus runs on biofuels. (This particular trip had enough fuel for us to rocket to the Moon.)

Don’t let those $1 fares and adorably portly pig-man mascots fool you! A Megabus is still a bus: you know, like what they rode in the 1870’s. The future is now, and it smells… like progress!