Would someone please mash-up "One Jump Ahead" from...
Is it possible that childbirth tilted Britney's...
Sometimes I think that Nicholas Cage's agent is...
The motivation behind asking Justin Bieber what he thinks about abortion...– Lost Grrrls (via interweber) It kind of makes you question his agenda behind “Baby, Baby, Baby.”
In retrospect, upon learning how Charlie Sheen...
A Day Without Coffee
Fearing my self-proclaimed “Java slavery” (not to be confused with slaves in the Indonesian territory of Java), I decided to avoid coffee today and thereby prove I do not have an addiction. Because, really, who needs coffee? Answer: I do. I NEED IT. I NEED IT NOW. Today, I woke up at 7:30. Probably because my brain had slowed to a halt from the daily caffeine drought from 7pm to 7am....
Iran is like that mom at the mall who thinks...
Building a Better Mouse Trap
New Yorkers reach a point where they catch themselves saying things like “Oh my god! Is that a bedbug?! Oh, wait. No, it’s just mouse shit.” And couldn’t be happier about it! Ask anyone and you’ll hear their personal hatred-rankings for: bedbugs, mice, roaches, crime, slum lords, loud Latino music, and stairs. [Personally: 1, 5, 4, 2, 7, 3, 8] Recently, while reliving myself at 3am—like a...
It’s never just HIV: Oh, great.
The New York City Department of Health has rolled out its newest campaign aiming to inform the public that “It’s never just HIV.” That’s right, for those of you who have become blasé about the terminal, sexually-transmitted disease, the Health Department has a new Facebook status update for you: HIV has a posse. Likening the autoimmune precursor to slap bracelets or ABC’s Grace Under Fire, the...
My Emily Post on Umbrellas
In light of the death of Emily Post—she’s dead, right?—I shall take the onus upon myself to write the book on umbrella etiquette. Some sample passages: One must always remember that a little rain never hurt anyone, but frequent injuries have occurred from an assholeishly large umbrellas being swung about! Gentlemen: golf umbrellas are par for the course, not for a two-foot wide stretch of...
“I have so many quarters, I could buy a horse!”
“I have so many quarters, I could buy a horse!” He proudly zinged, sorting through the change in his wallet. It was one of those malapropisms that makes being around foreigners (French, in this case) so delightful. The comment immediately went into the “Cocktail Party Anecdotes” storage section of my brain. I laughed, then explained both that it was not an English expression and the current market...