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Jess Burkle

jessburkle.com / @JessBurkle
Mar 10 '14

I can’t wait to see “Grand Budapest Hotel” so I can go to the midwest and tell everyone about how I found it funny because I’m smarter than they are.

Feb 25 '14

My condolences…

…to any musician whose one-hit wonder touches on the theme of making lots of money, having lots of money, loving lots of money, getting lots of money, wanting lots of money, or (in the case of Kelly and Michelle) bills, bills, bills. 

Feb 5 '14

RadioShack announces it will close 500 sotres.

The company didn’t want to, but they never got around to buying that AV IN/OUT cable that they thought would be included with purchase. 

Apr 23 '13

Where “The Giving Tree” should have drawn the line.

When he gave the boy his apples, that’s fine. Apples grow back.

When he gave the boy his branches, that’s fine. The boy needed a home.

But when he gave the boy his trunk, it was for a boat. And recreational boating does not justify sacrifice on that scale.

Don’t come asking me for a kidney because you really want a dune buggy.

 

 

Apr 9 '13
Surely I’m not the only one who wants to know more about that one, angry, North Korean, female nightly news anchor who always wears pink.
Where is this Lifetime movie?

Surely I’m not the only one who wants to know more about that one, angry, North Korean, female nightly news anchor who always wears pink.

Where is this Lifetime movie?

Mar 26 '13

James Cameron’s newly-uncovered love of submarines really gives “Titanic” a new layer of moral complexity.

Mar 26 '13

I hope that the Supreme Court makes the informed decision today and, finally, let’s Roe marry Wade.

Mar 25 '13

Yeah, we should probably let each states decide about whether marriage equality is a good fit for them. You know, like slavery.

Mar 22 '13

Bachelorette Balloons

JESS enters Ricky’s Party Store in Chelsea, approached salesman.

JESS: Excuse me, sir. Do you sell balloons?

SALESMAN: Uh… we sell, like, bachelorette ballons…

JESS: You mean like…

SALESMAN: Balloons shaped like dicks.

And there you have it, society is not yet equipped  for lesbian bachelorette party. 

Mar 21 '13

I suppose I can take comfort in the fact that, by its own laws, #YOLO can never be a thing again. #YOLO